my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
