whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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