just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
