I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
