a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
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It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
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I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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