Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
