im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
