Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
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Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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