Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
