I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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