She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
