If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
