I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
