new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
