i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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