i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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