sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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