I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
