her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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