I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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