Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
