i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
