You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
