In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
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