I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
