Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
