when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
