it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
