Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
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fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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