I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
