I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
