Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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