I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
