does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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