Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
