He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
