True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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