My sheets look like a crime scene.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
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So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
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my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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