i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
