Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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