I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
