i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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