Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
