Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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