im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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