You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
