whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
