I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
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