That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So apparently I’m into choking now
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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