i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize