I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
