Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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