i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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