i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
