So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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