Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
