I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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