Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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