I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
